So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
