Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
