dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
