508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
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