guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
