So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
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