started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
We're too hungover to prance.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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