just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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