Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
people are starting to question the shark bite story
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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