I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
