a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
