when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
