The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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