did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
