There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
