I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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