I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
