Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
