can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
