You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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