Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
