there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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