I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
