my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
