I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Randomize
