So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
