Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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