everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
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