My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
