i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
