4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
