My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Randomize
