im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
