I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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