One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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