my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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