Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
This is the high leading the old right now
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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