im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Randomize
