3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
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