The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
