My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
