I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
