mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
