How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
