Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
