Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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