my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
