Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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