I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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