yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
