I'm gonna have a badass scar
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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